ROADKILL TV

    This may
be a “Duh no kidding!” statement but I am going to make it anyway.

   TV just
AIN’T the same as it used to be.

    I admit
while the tube does hold a certain allure, my current TV watching runs along
the lines of HGTV shows ( I am ADDICTED to home improvement shows. HEY…I
have a house that is over 200 years old…its legit! ), any and all of the
Law & Order shows ( I think there may be a part of me that is a frustrated
pathologist or detective ), and several SciFi Channel shows such as Stargate
9 and Stargate Atlantis which are up there in the favs list, though I rarely
catch them.

   What I
really want to know is,  why is there more roadkill on TV than on Route 66,
I95 and the I70 combined?

    Perhaps I
should back up a pace or two and define Roadkill TV.

    Webster’s
Dictionary defines roadkill as  “An
animal or animals killed by being struck by a motor vehicle.”

   Katt’s
official dictionary defines Roadkill TV as
“A TV show that you really probably shouldn’t  want to watch
but you are drawn to it because it is… just…so…bad.”
I think of it this way: Driving down a road
lined with trees, ahead in the distance you see an unidentifiable lump. “Oh
man…yuck” you think, “I am not going to look at that”, and have every
honest intention of moving your eyes away from Squishy the Squirrel, Ricky
the Roadkill Raccoon, or Pete the Road Pizza Possum. Yet…as you get closer
to the aforementioned lump, there is a compulsion that is almost
irresistible pulling your eyes towards…IT. Whatever IT is.  That is part
of the compulsion. You just GOTTA know what it is. The morbid curiosity that
hits is irresistible.

  So you
look.

  ::GAG::

   You know
you shouldn’t have looked. “Oh gross oh gross…why did I LOOK at that!” You
knew you shouldn’t have. It was gross, nasty…the vision of it is burned
into your brain. Not to mention the smell that wafted into you vehicle, if
ever so briefly. Inevitably a groan and a “Oh man…that is BAD” follows
viewing

    There is
a show advertised, or you are channel surfing and come across one (much like
hitting a lump on the road with your front right tire). You know it is going
to be kinda weird and gross, will have nothing redeeming about it, and you
likely regret watching it, but you do anyway.

 Now THAT my
friend is Roadkill TV.

   Channel
surfing will reveal a veritable smorgasbord of Roadkill TV. They are
breeding like rabbits, be it on cable or non-cable stations! Jerry Springer,
Maury Povich, Montel Williams, along with  various and sundry variations on
the same theme that are local  to you to name a few.

  These shows
pride themselves on having people on who have the most base behavior
(Tune in tomorrow to Jerry, to see
3 women who have 20 children between them. None of the children have the
same fathers…in fact…they don’t know WHO the father’s really are, but
for the last 15 years their husbands have believed that they are the
children’s dads! How will the “dads” react when the truth is revealed. Oh
and for a real twist, one of the mom’s is really a lesbian…can you spot
the “passer”?),
and the most bizarre behavior
( Tomorrow on Maury, meet Joni the
Jaguar. Not only has she tattooed herself to look like a jaguar and  had her
eyes surgically changed to cat like pupils, but she lives in a tree wearing
only her tattooed feline skin!)
or the most disgusting behaviors
(Next week this time on Montel we will
meet Joey. Joey only eats toes. Pig toes, chicken toes, monkey toes. What is
up with Joey’s toe fetish? Tune in to find out!).

  
Oh and we have to include all
the “reality” TV shows ::snort:: Talk about and oxymoron! There is VERY
little that is real about any of the shows such as The Apprentice, Big
Brother, Elimidate, Fifth Wheel, The Real World (aren’t they up to season 44
on that thing?!). etc. Everything is choreographed to be the MOST
outrageous, MOST crazed, MOST dramatic…whatever … it is that happens.
Now I admit…I have had my share of Reality show TV. I have sat on the
phone with a friend and  DIED laughing over shows such as Fifth Wheel and
Elimidate. When Ted Nugent had his own reality show, I sat fascinated by the
bizarre behaviors of certain cast members. I was giggling like a fiend at
Ted Nugent’s wicked sense of humor and pranks.

  Obviously I
have issues.

  Oh…and
the Osbournes. This show is unique among both the reality show and road kill
genre. In spite of their sailor mouths, rehab-needing lives, and lack of
adequate house training for their animals, there is definitely love in that
family, as bizarre as that may seem. Who can forget Ozzie’s trips for HUGE
burritos? Sharon’s winning battle with cancer? There are the items flung
over the privacy wall from the Osbourne’s yard to the obnoxious neighbors;
Sharon’s crosses hanging all over the house side by side with Ozzie’s
gargoyles. All in all a fascinating show, but I would definitely give it at
least two Road Pizzas on the Roadkill TV Scale.

  Lets take a
peek at our rating scale:

  
This is a Road Pizza.

 TV shows are
rated on a scale of 1-5 based on their “ripeness”.

Freshly killed, not too stinky, but still makes one squeamish to look at

Squished and
slightly smelly.

Ooo getting ripe
there! Roll the window up Martha!

The
vultures have been at it and its 90 in the shade. Pull out the Level 4
filtration mask

::gagging and crossing eyes::
No brain matter or eyes left. The soft parts go first. Press the pedal
to 90 so you don’t toss your Olive Garden Soup and Salad lunch.

 
Based on the above rating scale,
here are Katt’s ratings on some Roadkill TV shows:

 

The Osbourne’s ( too sassy
to only get one Pizza!)

Maury
Povich (He escapes getting a  five but JUST barely…but I have never
watched an entire show, I admit)

Montel
Williams
(going
by what I personally know of his show but I could be off, I admit it)

 

Fifth Wheel (this show really show be called Pick a Skeaze. ‘Nuff said)

Elimidate
(Not as sleazy as Fifth Wheel, and much funnier)

+++
Jerry Springer
( I
mean, ADMIT IT…he is THE KING of Roadkill TV! He is pretty much off the
scale. For Jerry we would have to invent a new scale. )

The Surreal Life
on MTV (I have to admit this is my latest favorite. I mean COMON! Vanilla
Ice and Arnold from Different Strokes living in the same house? BUHAHAHAH)

    
So there you have today’s addition of Roadkill TV. Disagree if you will.
That is fine. Is there someone out there who can be the Ebert to my Roeper?
Or you can be Roeper…I’ll let you pick. Do you have a notable show for the
Roadkill TV Revue?

     Now before you get it
into your head that I actually watch this stuff all the time, realize I
don’t. Only  during PMS time or when I am having insomnia, or when
recovering from a particularly heinous virus do the big steaming piles of
Roadkill TV show up in my family room.

   That’s my story and I
am sticking to it. ;^)
                                                                                                                ~ Kathie