July 24, 2004

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  Today I am seeing two sides of the same coin...    One side of the coin shows that I "threw a nutty" last night, as one of my best friends says *smiles at S*. Someone on a mom's list I am on took a post that was very personal and hard for me to share, twisting it to make it into something it wasn't. She then proceeded to use my post as an example of wrong behavior on my and others part.    I don't know if it is because I am PMSing, if it is because the moon is full, I was wearing too tight underpants, or what, but I saw red. I didn't say much until after the person wrote me personally, but then I aimed to draw blood and fired with both barrels knowing exactly what my venomous response to her would do. I have never done something like that in my life, but for some reason I wasn't able to to stop myself. I knew that the next day the regrets would come, yet I couldn't stop myself from doing it. Now the regrets for wounding are here.    While what I said to her was truth that needed to be said, I did not need to say it how I said it, and I didn't need to hurt her in the process. I am not proud of that. It isn't my way or desire to ever do that. In fact, I always run far from it. I will be writing an apology for how I said what I said, though not for what it was that I said, if that makes sense. I am not ashamed of the truths I laid before her, but that in the process I set out to purposely draw blood.    There are no expectations on my part for forgiveness, or a restoration of our tenuous relationship. I do know that when I have made a mistake and the Holy Spirit brings it before me, God speaks into my spirit that I need to right the wrong. Until that wrong is made right my relationship with the Father is broken, and I can't spend my days without His presence fully with me. The other side of this same coin is that a friend of mine has been greatly wounded and deeply hurt these last few days by someone who has called themselves a friend to her for at least 4 years. Somewhere along the line this woman who has repeatedly cried "I love you more than anything and I will love you forever" has, in her selfishness and narcissistic pursuit for attention and petting, trashed and ripped apart this same person she has claimed to love. I sit by impotent while this happens wanting to staunch my friends wounds, and stop the blood from flowing, but am unable to do so. Instead I will stand in the gap and pray, and ask the Lord to hold her in the shelter of His healing arms. Call me dim...but I can't pretend to understand this version of "friendship". This wasn't a today only occurrence that happened for this has built up over time. Like a Shakespearean play where great love turns into an even greater hate, this love has rotted and spoiled, leaving nothing but the taste of death. It grieves me and makes me more than a little angry that someone could willingly and knowingly do that to someone they claim to love. To plan to hurt the someone that has shared many pieces of their soul with you, to tear apart that shared soul and leave the broken pieces behind you is beyond my understanding, I will be honest.    Unfortunately what I did yesterday wasn't too different from what was done today to my friend, only the scale of it differs. For the first time in my adult life I badly wanted to hurt someone, and gave into the urge to do so. Feeling justified by my wrath and hurt, I let myself tear at a piece of another believer's soul.    I still don't understand how I let it happen, honestly. I pray fervently that something like this will ever happen at my mouth or hands again. I don't like the taste or feel it left me with, and I know I won't ever forget. "A friend loveth at all times.." Proverbs 17:17 Lord, please burn that truth into my soul.                                                                                                                                       Kathie

  
  

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