March 2, 2006

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  So...Where's the Sunshine??? or The Grass Isn't Always Greener in Smaller Jeans     I have been in a funk lately. In part I pin it down to lack of sunshine. Considering the fact that the medical community is nigh on screaming "slather with sunscreen on every visible skin surface", "don't tan", "don't burn", "protect your eyes", etc., it is an odd thing to realize that Maryland's typical grey winter is sucking away my vitality due to lack of exposure to ENOUGH sunlight! I don't know why every year this same thing seems to catch me by surprse.Yearly, in the midst of the deepest part of winter I replay this same scenario to one degree or another although it seems worse this year. It may be because we have had a milder winter than the norm and I keep getting teased with sun only to have it jerked out of my grasp or because of losing weight my body is readjusting itself physically as the hormones stored in the burning off fat are released.    It could be because in less than two weeks I turn 40?   Naw that isn't it.   No now, really...I can virtually hear a collective "yeaaahhh righhhht" as y'all read this. I really don't care that I am turning 40. I didn't care when I turned 30 either. Or 20. I think 18 was THE milestone for me for some reason. After that, every year was just another number and it hasn't mentally made much of an impact on me since THE MAGICAL 18.   I will say that I am going into my 40s *yuck...I don't like the sound of THAT phrase...hmm...ok maybe there is a mild impact...hehe* I FEEL BETTER than I have in at least a decade. I have lost a lot of weight in the past seven months: I have gone from a size 24 to a size 14-16 and I am aiming for a 10. I not only feel lighter physically but mentally. Suddenly, I am not the heaviest person in the room, which I had been for years. Now I can buy clothes in any clothing store I chose to walk into *well, aside from 5-7-9 but I am not broken hearted over that*. I now feel like I am "normal" and that I don't stand out in a crowd because of my size. Face it...overweight people are THE targeted group in society now. Ethnic jokes aren't de rigueur, gay jokes are passé' *well, til Brokeback Mountain came on the scene*, a joke that pokes at women shows one is unenlightened and jokes about men are demeaning. But tell fat jokes, pick on the fat kid, comment about the overweight person at the office and no one bats an eye. Because obese people carry their affliction on the outside, for some reason they are deemed failures, losers. gluttons, disgusting. "Oh she has such a pretty face, if only she would lose weight" is a phrase more commonly uttered today than "Gas prices are going up again".   Maybe that is part of my funk. I am ecstatic that I have been able to lose this weight and am aiming for at least 30 more pounds, and perhaps more depending on how I look when I get to that point. Government weight charts be hung! The charts say at my height I should weight between 135 and 149 pounds. I am 5' 6" and carry a lot of muscle mass...if I get in the 130s like they say for my height I will probably wind up looking anorexic and frail. Anyway, I digress. My friends and those close to me are happy for me and my weight loss hasn't changed my relationships at all *except now I might start borrowing my friends' clothes ...hehe". What does bother me a bit is now that I am accepted back in with the "normies", those of a body size more accepted by those in society, is the comments I am hearing about overweight people. While looking at clothing patterns in Joann's ETC. a couple of days ago, a woman sitting across from me with her 11 year old daughter made a comment while looking at a pattern book. Coming to a section where the clothing was tailored towards women and girls who wear larger than a size 12, the model pictured was a "plus size" model and was wearing _maybe_ a 16. The woman lifts a page and says to the 11 year old daughter while tsking " Its a shame when the MODELS look fat".   Yes I bit my tongue and didn't comment. I did look up at her briefly but she wasn't looking in my direction. Obviously I was "passing" as a normie in size, or was she _just_that_clueless_ and rude? Doesn't she know that being a bigot isn't very PC? *insert wry tone here*   Yes I wanted to comment but in the interest of wanting to be able to return again and shop in my local Joann's I decided ripping the woman's head off wasn't the most prudent course of action.    I realized then that I was "passing". I was passing for normal. Sitting there in my size 14 jeans I didn't look like the big-girl I had been for the past 20 years. My immediate reaction was that I wanted to reach over, slap that size 10 wearing woman so hard her gramma's teeth would ache and then  ask her "Do you realize what you just did? What if your daughter grows up to have weight issues? What seed did you just plant in her mind of how to think about and treat people who are over what is considered an "ideal" body weight? Why were you just so ignorant and cruel? "   I also wanted to tell her "That model isn't fat...she is REAL..and she is beautiful, inside AND out. More beautiful than the ugliness you just showed in yourself!"   Suddenly I realized that I had been shielded. My friends who are kind and loving never looked on me ill because of my weight. I have always dressed stylishly, trendy, funky...the artist in me coming out in my clothing. I have never let my weight inhibit me from looking good and feeling good about myself. I don't remember being the recipient of ignorant comments over my weight, not even in high school wear I was wearing a size 16. I realized then that my self-confidence and weight shielded me from the comments that many people receive due to their physical appearance.   I may look more "normal" now that I can wear other than mom-jeans *those of you who watch Saturday Night Live get that reference doncha?* but inside I will always be the person who has been overweight through no fault of my own since I was 8 years old. I feel a bit like someone who has had a bird soil their shiny, brand new sports car. I cleaned it off but I'm pretty sure that eventually the kahkah is going to hit again.   So here I sit in my now smaller jeans, waiting for the sun to shine.  I am confident that even with kahkah and bigots, the sun is going to shine again soon. I am going to throw me head back and soak it in...   Pass the 40 sunblock, please? I know I am going to need it.                                                                   Til next time...                                                                             Kathie

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